[october.10.2007.8:18am]

"You don't even recognize the ways you hurt me, do you?"
-rihanna




here i am, behind the computer screen again
recording peices of my life into this blog thing
and honestly, its one of my most valuable
"posessions" in my time now.

for breakfast, i eat hot tamales. you know,
the usual:

toss six or eight of them bad boys
into my mouth to get the ultimate cinnamon
burn.




but what really brought me here this morning
is a dream.

i dont remeber it in full detail.
all i know is that im afraid;
afraid hell hurt her beyond belief.
and i laugh at her stupidity,
but shit like this happens when a person
searches outside of her or himself hoping
to obtain self-love.

shes scaring me because shes living her
life as a pendulum. hes hanging her
over the edge of the cliff.
every so often, he threatens
to throw her over,
then plays her close
and apologizes;
its his psychological contraint.

but someday,
hell decide to send her
down that steep,
perilous end.

he hit her.
i felt it.
thats what woke me up.
because i wont settle for
punches.
choking of the neck
is what made me go.



so why cant she leave?
why does she keep going
back to him?
subjecting herself to
being used,
misused,
abused,
and not being gave a damn
about?


i hate that ive laughed at you for
living your life the way you do.

and i apologize.





i cant give up on
you just because you have
given up on yourself.