what ive made of us

[december.31.2007.3:12pm]


past relationships served as
mere playgrounds in which I danced
across the surfaces of my past
lovers' pleas for me to cease
seeking fun in the art i mastered of
causing their emotional state to
forever be in a disarray upon my every command.

to look after me,
there was no one;
forced as a child to immitate
the role of parent brought me to remain in character
even while curtains were drawn.

discipline came as self isolation
when my childish antics began to litter
my past lovers' memories of me with
regrets of allowing their hearts
to be kept for keeps.

the many boys' hearts sufficed for my need of toys;
emotionally,
on me they relied so for sheer amusement,
i fed them lies.

to live the role of pupil to a teacher,
to learn lessons his way as our relationship
becomes our classroom and life as he's lived it
is what he'll teach has been what ive wanted to
find me.

contacts

[december.27.2007.9:55pm]


to contact your past contacts.
to hear the voices of your past loves.
to dial the numbers that have added up.
to multiply and become the product of the places in your heart in which you guard from me,
to have the responsibility to mend them.
to search for answers born from questions that are asked beyond ones personal space.
to read names from a list that serves as a roster of those who still linger moments too long to bring discomfort to rub against my cheeks.
to erase their numerical existence in your contacting device.
to end all contacts with past contacts.
to call you to come into contact with the only number worth dialing.

mirror, mirror

[december.22.2007.10:04pm]

"its like when I look into your eyes, I see my own..."
-Michael


mirror, mirror
displaying reflections of contrasting flesh,
two broken souls;
healing through darkness they met,
to be thrown into a love that was soon come,
seen too great to be kept.

mirror, mirror
reflecting the truth that bears the same face,
one that has lived amongst denial in all its space,
to then be forced to reevalutate,
left in rejection,
disregarded and displaced.

mirror, mirror
we created solace that only we know exist.
through our light of truth,
illuminated will become of every abyss.

[december.21.2007.1:50pm]

"...weary of the world, get her fingers burned..."
-corinne b. rae


fly I was gliding towards the gaseous gleam
and it soon came seen;
firelight burning my ireses
that did so in cosmic beams.

to hold the sun was the desired feat.
he melted all had ice protecting me.

warmed me he did;
toasted my insecurities,
scorched away love left lost,
and gave light to loving fearlessly.

the time he boiled niether began nor ended.
a jealous sun he was and when called a star,
he erupted with rage and accused I became of being offensive.

to correct this wrong,
a kiss was to be planted onto his cheek.
out my arms reached,
but with hot so heat around it,
fire bit and singed my fingertips.

so I'd sit in the darkness of space.;
amongst the sky my feet lead me to pace with no corners, crevices, crooks to hide and save face.

fly I was gliding towards the gaseous gleam
and it soon came seen;
firelight burning my ireses
that did so in cosmic beams.

and the sun gives life to all that is made
and blinding me its hot did not
for this time,



I wore shades.

thee in lover ever after

[december.20.2007.6:25pm]
the score: corinne bailey rae by corinne baily rae


words juggle and congregate amongst the folds of my genius;
premature thoughts seek substance;
to be placed in the meticulous order set in manifestation;
through uncertainty truth is birthed thus comes love, a fallacy of none.

out of thee hiatus I have risen,
to acknowlegde love that I've always had.
a love that as a child,
I sought to be loved with,
and through this love I've come to recognize and submit for all wrongs are corrected as it pertains to the half love, missed love,
mistaken love that nourished me.

contentment has found me in a time when doubt clouded my truth only to come to learn that this "doubt" was my intuition.

for a duration of four years,
hard I fought to maintain my sanity in the social constructionism[s] of high school while watching the blasphemy of the ignorant souls be placed upon my truth.

I survived;
truth prevailed.

but,
I found myself tunneling through a dark abyss of a place soon come,
seen to become,
feel,
seem all too familiar.

with this said,
I dropped out of an institution that I agreed to pay monthly installments of currency to as it sought to buy my mind and blur my truth.
in the silence found in the core of my soul,
I listened to what it desired most and muting the fray of the incompetent was priority number one;
this I did without her or his permission for it was a toll I was willing to pay.

I moved back home.
realized I missed my difficult to love loved ones.

I began to exercise my freedom and time was well spent frolicking in the pastures of the feilds of my imagination.

thee abstract returned with a vengeance;
one that held my water and stagnant life as I knew it became.

and for good reason...

unemployment,
withdrawing from school,
having no other obligations upholding structure of how my weeks should be spent granted me time
to
love:


love them differently.
learn to know why I love them;
love him;
love him hard seen come to be easy,
naturally,
freely,
blindly,
with all of me,
ever so gently,
more so truthfully than not so fully,
and ultimately,
without any fallacy.


child I was then,
woman child I am now.

I'm in thee lover ever after.
I will continue to love now until forever is the chapter.
love -er he is.
love her he does.
and happily doesn't last forever,
but for life to be as it may,
thee in lover ever after lies in the folds of truth born free of fallacy as it is to childrens' laughter.

bitch...

[december.19.2007.3:43pm]

"wonder why we call you bitch??"
-Tupac


sitting pretty kitty laid back and observe type of bitch,
stay in the house to chill, cuddle, kiss, caress, and watch a thriller flick type of bitch,
bend over,
submit,
rub a nigga back,
on the knees one time to slurp and suck a dick type of bitch,
have a nigga contemplating for keeps type of bitch,
bring her own hustle to the table to flip money in more ways than one type of bitch,
independent type of bitch,
watch your back while maintaining your front type of bitch,
bonnie and clyde,
ride or die,
til death do us part type of bitch,
with her nigga in the streets type of bitch,
hold a clip tucked next to the clit-or-ris,
keep clapping,
a won't miss a hit type of bitch,
beyond an upgrade you type of bitch,
a woman who'll remake you type of bitch,
teach you some intellctual mind fuck type of bitch,
educated and speaks that eloquent tongue to take care of business type of bitch,
make you remember why you come home to her type of bitch,
a quick the slit another bitch if she so happens to direspect the king type of bitch,
have your babies while holding a career type of bitch,
keep you thinking you running shit while she's the mastermind behind the crime type of bitch,
behind the scenes,
low key,
the playwright whos written your lines type of bitch,
a stay cool,
calm,
collected,
carefree type of bitch,
will let you have it if you disrespecting the queen type of bitch,
a nigga don't fuck with me I fuck back attitude having type of bitch,
your second mother type of bitch,
the down for whatever do time won't snitch on you type of bitch,
feed a nigga when he's hungry type of bitch,
nourish a niggas soul type of bitch,
recognize the dick between your legs she owns type of bitch,
a no nonsense type of bitch,
a work hard play smart type of bitch,
the bitch that would kill you if you fuck over her type of bitch...

all of these I am;
master of them I have yet to be,
but bitch holds a connotation of negativity.

so woman I am to you;
your bitch ill be in discreet.

tears for keeps

[december.15.2007.10:25pm]


to bottle these saltine
clear orbs of liquid into a space
to place upon the mantle of
your insensitivity would be
an ideal reminder i'd be honored
to give you for there are times
when i weep myself through
pain born from our love as you
blindly drive me to dance on
the edge of emotional insanity
and my eyes bear
the burden of bringing life to
wet cheeks as i smear vulnerability
into the skin of a woman child
left to feel such absence from
her partner while living the reality
of a love gone awry and still
loving him while
playing
tears
for
keeps.

letter of forever

Michael,

you're the love,
the reason,
the truth of the end of time and since time had been proven to never cease,
forever will remain ours;
you'll transcend through death to always be a significant factor in my life.

in this collection of thoughts displayed as words,
i am attempting to convey to you how i feel about us,
what makes me love you so and ultimately,
to ensure and validate the position you've held in my life even through all the senseless decisions i've made since our genesis.

i've loved you since i was fifteen,
during the time i masked myself as someone else,
during the period of the darkest moments i've ever experienced.
i was carrying the burden of a heavy past and growing to learn to love me and to access a genius i held beyond my years in such a short time.

i love you hard and it comes easy,
natural,
without force.

there have been decisions i've made in life that has shaped the way we interact now. since the beginning,
i've always told myself i'd never have you, that you never wanted me and that you weren't expected to hold a sense of commitment to what you and i began to explore.

i did this in the name of self protection; something that i've learned to do throughout my entire life because all i encounter,
all i live to love somehow someway,
have hurt me;
either that be directly or indirectly.

and what i failed to realize was that you'd never hurt me through your genuine espression of how purely you love.

in reality,
you can't relate to the shit i've been through.
you can't identify with the love i was loved with and since this is true,
you're able to offer me the love i never received.

so,
in the complexity of my love for you,
there are times when i'm vulnerable and in a way,
i'm your daughter;
when all i can focus on is wanting to be held and cradled and spoken softly to;
things i can't recall having been given.

there's also moments with you when i feel inadequate with my sexuality because in truth,
you intimidate me and that's something i've never been comfortable with;
no man intimidates me.
you do because you know how to
tame,
tease,
taunt,
touch,
tantilize the woman that rests in the center of the cage of adulthood i'm so trapped inside of.

for you,
ill submit,
surrender.

you give me reason to never doubt how pure what i have to offer to the world in its entirety truly is.

i can't make myself ten years older no matter how long i've exercised my mind with such a possibility.

you're meant to be 14 years my senior and i was born for you to have,
hold,
teach,
love and
watch prosper.

i look to you and see my future.
i see them in you.
them: my children.

i used to not know my worth,
i used to not value my worth,
but now,
i understand my worth and know that no longer will i begin relationships that'll expire too soon for real love to be made all in fleet of such raw,
real,
relative
love you give me.

Michael,
i love you and that includes your flaws,
your mishaps,
your arrogance,
your intellect,
your compassion,
truth,
love,
sincerity,
apathy,
friendship,
dominanace,
vulnerability and the extent of what is to be said,
your companionship.

thee hiatus works...

fucked
[november.24.2007.6:45pm]


ass naked, bent over, on all fours,
waiting, wanting, needing, necessitating
the entrance of his stiffness to penetrate
her vagina in need of fucking.


we invite one another to have,
share our bodies once more
in hopes of fucking away past sex
had on this mattress stitched with thread
that holds the history of our lovemaking
and
padded with now rotting past
affection and passion we once
fucked
each other with such vulnerability,
but here i offer myself,
offer you,
for you to fuck your frustrations out
on me as i willingly take your misdirected
bitterness as sweet pleasure
because although we cant
fuck away our fucked up past
and we cant fuck ourselves out
of our fucked up relationship,
it still feels so damn good to be fucked
by you even with us knowing that
when our sex dissipates from the cold glass of the window,
we remain faceless,
nameless,
souls of a fucked love.


.................................................................................

naked over coffee
[november.22.2007.9:27pm]


blankets lay lazily wrapped around our
bodies blanketed in contrasting shades
of brown emitting soothing steam
from mugs that hold pools that reflect
our dark naked coffee.


our eyes dance in a silence thats born after sex.


you bring your thirsty lips to the rim of my mug
and begin to sip me once more,
drain me of all had inhibitions
as you stir me deeply.


bare bodies tussle on top of blankets strewn upon
the floor as coffee from knocked over mugs
seep inside the fabric of the carnal pleasure of two

who

touch,
tease,
tame,
taunt,


naked over coffee.